Counsel from Elrond
by LaInsanoid
Summary: A bunch of drabbles on Elrond having a "Dear someone" column.
1. Legolas

I don't own Legolas (bursts out crying)

* * *

From: ElfWithFlair at m-wood dot com

Dear Elrond,

I am having self-confidence problems. My childhood friend Hald- no, Harry – is attracting more ellith than I am and I fear he may be more beautiful than me. I am afraid of becoming depressed. What should I do?

Blonde Heir

* * *

Dear Heir,

Don't be afraid! Since you are a prince, girls give up since you can only marry royalty, while „Harry" seems to have more freedom. Why don't you explore east and south? The kings and queens there are bound to have daughters! You'll find your princess one day,

Elrond

* * *

Wrote this during Maths. If you submit any ideas, you get credit and a virtual cookie!

Thank you to animepercystyle for telling me the plural of elleth. I do strive for perfection, at least spelling and grammar-wise.


	2. Faramir

No, the Felllowship aren't gonna be my Christmas prezzie. I know better than to anger my best friend.

* * *

From: 2ndInLine at thedoorsgone dot com

Dear Elrond,

My daddy is favoritizing my older brother. I feel rejected and unwanted. Whatever I do, my daddy still likes my older brother better, even though he got himself possessed and killed on some stupid quest. What can I do to impress Daddy?

Man of Ithilien

* * *

Dear Man of Ithilien,

Your dad seems to be suffering because he can't get over your brother. Overtime, he'll learn to appreciate what he has. Just be yourself and he'll realize how great you really are!

Elrond

* * *

Just forgot to say it in the first chapter: these aren't all set at the same time. I'm going to type up a Smeagol/Gollum one next, so I would appreciate it if someone told me where the floating line goes. Thanks for reading! Remember the cookies!


	3. Merry and Pippin

Myself and my friend under the pen name of Evania Awristeta don't own LOTR. If we did, the world would be majorly screwed up. Really. Just ask some of our classmates. I once left fingernail marks in the hand of a guy in my Technical Graphics class. And a few from my computers class.

Two letters in this one!

:-:-:-:-:

From:Super-Ninja-Random-Cupcakes-My-Grandmother's-Toenails-Smell-Like-Farts-UNICORN-WIV-A-MOUSTACHE-Pippin at shiredingle dot com

Dear Eyebrows,

I'm having problems with my puppy, Princess Sparkle Ninja Noodles Cookie Monstah#Panda, he won't do anything that I tell him to, WAFFLES!, and he keeps eating food off the table. Please give me some, WAFFLES!, advice.

From: WAFFLES!

#Pippin

* * *

Dear Pippin (I assume that is your real name),

I think you should start from getting to know your puppy. Pet him, find out what his favourite treat is - then you'll be able to reward him if he performs well. I would conduct some research on puppies: go to your local library and get a dog care book. You'll know what you can feed him and how to care for him. He might be disobedient because he doesn't like you. Take some time to get to know him, and he'll warm to you in no time, or else kill you and run off with your credit cards.

Elrond

* * *

From: SmexyHobbitAlcoholMastah! at shiredingle dot com

Dear Lord El-something,

I'm having problems with my friend Pippin. He seems to think that I am a dog and keeps telling me to sit, stay, roll-over etc. He won't let me eat at the table and is now calling me Princess Sparkle Ninja Noodles Cookie Monstah! #Panda. I think that he has finally lost what little sanity he had left. Please tell me how to make this stop.

Smexy Hobbit Alcohol Mastah

P.S. Please send some waffles as Pippin has eaten every waffle in the Shire and is having withdrawal symptoms.

* * *

Dear HobbitMastah,

I apologize, but Pippin got to me first. Run for your life. Pippin got to the waffles first as well. No more left in all of Middle Earth. At least he didn't eat my laptop. It's up to you. Whack him on the head and save us all, risking your sanity, or run like a headless chicken and doom the whole world, and eventually yourself, to an evil fate. Your choice. AND MY NAME IS ELROND!

Elrond

P.S. If you do decide to run, forward this email to Frodo and Gandalf. Surely one of them will be up to saving the world. Again.

:-:-:-:

What did you think? And I ask again, where does that floating line go on Smeagol?


	4. Sméagol and Gollum

I know this is very late, but I am on an upload spree this Christmas break, so forgive me.

Please don't sue me, I'm saving up my money for the after-Christmas sales.

:-:-:-:

From: Sméagol_no!Gollum _at evilforce dot com

Dear _foul pointy eared creature_,

I am having problems with my alternate personality. _Sméagol isss wicked, trixy, false!_ I hate Gollum, but to kill him, I have to kill myself. I don't like the possibility of suicide. _No! We no wants deadses self! We wants deadses Sméagol!_ Please help me!

Sméagol  
_(no! it's Gollum, precious!)_

* * *

Dear Sméagol,

I am afraid that this is too serious for me to deal with. I'd have to recommend you to a professional therapist, like Galadriel or at the very least Nazgûl No. 3. Some hobbits say Fatty Bolger is good, but only for people with anorexia. Oh wait, never mind that last sentence.

The "foul pointy eared creature"

* * *

Dear Gollum,

Do us a favour and throw yourself into Mount Doom. And if you can, take Frodo with you. All he's done so far is moaned, whined, and got himself stabbed a couple of times.

Elrond

:-:-:-:

Just to clear it up, I use hyphens and colons to separate Author's Notes, and just hyphens or in rare cases real line breaks to separate parts of my stories.


	5. Sauron

Second chapter of the day!

:-:-:-:

From: TheEvilOne at wehavemoredoors dot com

Dear Elrond,

I am having problems with my orc army. They are demanding dental and health insurance, but I think they're more intimidating with plaque covered teeth and rotting flesh. We can't come to an agreement on the topic. Any help?

The Truly Evil One

* * *

Dear Evil One,

I don't think I can help you with this issue. I haven't ever been a slave-driver, and all of my workers are immortal, so dental and health insurance aren't a problem. I think you should give them at least the health insurance though - if they're sick, they're weak, and if they're weak, they can't fight. I think if you do that, more orcs will be attracted to the positions you offer.

Elrond

* * *

Elrond clicked the send button. "Now," he leaned back in his swivel chair, "that's done. Wait," he paled. "Truly Evil One... orc army... I may have just majorly screwed up the chances of survival for the Fellowship. Oh well," he relaxed again, "it's not like they'll find out."

10 months later...

"ELROND!" King Aragorn banged on his step-father's door. "What is this blasphemy you call a blog! You are screwed the moment I find a spare key!"

:-:-:-:

Happy? I gave you two chapters in one day.


End file.
